


Dear Diary

by minusgirl



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Diary/Journal, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-07-02
Packaged: 2017-11-29 14:04:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 14,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/687817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minusgirl/pseuds/minusgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles' life is hard.... and not in the good way.<br/>So he starts a diary to sort his thoughts and feelings for a certain alpha werewolf.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 12.07.2012

Well, to be perfectly honest: I don’t know how to write a diary. Do I have to start with a greeting or and introduction of my person?  
God that’s so embarrassing. 

First of all I’m not a desperate little teenage girl with a crush on a guy she can never have.  
No, I’m a desperate little teenage boy with a crush on a guy I can never have. I’m so pathetic. Believe me, I know. Everyone knows, even Scott and I’m pretty sure he’s the most oblivious guy I’ve ever met. No scratch that. He’s the most oblivious guy on earth and when he knows I’m fucked because that means Derek knows, too. And that means I’m as good as dead.  
Maybe I’d use this notebook to write down my last will instead of pitying myself.  
On the contrary there is nothing I could bequeath to my dad so that’s a stupid idea.  
But I’ve digressed.  
I feel incredible stupid right now but Mrs. Morrell said it’d be a good idea to write down my thoughts, to sort them and blah blah blah.

 

So dear diary….  
My name is Stiles Stilinski, I’m a teenager who lives in Beacon Hills, California.  
My best friend is Scott McCall who is a werewolf (don’t ask!) and almost every fucking day I have to battle mythical creatures like kanimas and Matt. Okay, Matt wasn’t a mythical creature like Scott or Jackson but fuck it. He was an asshole who attacked me, my dad, Scott and almost everyone in Beacon Hills so I’m pretty sure I have the right to hate him. Oh yeah my dad is the sheriff by the way.  
Sucks, right?

 

But that’s not my biggest problem. People always say it’s hard to be crossed in love and they’re right but it’s much worse when you’re in love with a werewolf. And it’s much much much worse when you’re in love with a broody and ridiculously hot alpha werewolf who has the ability to smell your arousal!  
It’s humiliating and I’m afraid he’ll slit my throat with his claws and bury my dead body in the preserve or wherever the place is he hides the corpses. I think I should make a list of possible places so that my father could find me…I mean I deserve a beautiful gravestone after all!

I should ‘just’ be afraid of dying or severe injuries but I don’t even think about those things most of the time because all I can think of is him and his stupid face with his stupid five ‘o clock shadow and his long eyelashes and oh my god did you see these abs?!  
Of course you didn’t because you’re a diary but believe me when I tell you he’s perfect. 

 

He’s not a source of glee and bliss and I’m not even sure if he knows how to smile without showing his canines but who can blame him? He lost his entire family except Peter but I’m sure that’s a mixed blessing and that’s putting it mildly. The guy is a nutjob.  
And I’m in love with his nephew.

I don’t want to talk about it with Scott or the rest of the pack. Isaac couldn’t keep a secret from Derek, Jackson is still a douche and would laugh about my misery, Lydia would just roll her eyes and call me pathetic, Allison would pity me, Boyd wouldn’t even listen to my whimpering, Danny would remind me that he’s not everyone’s gay mentor and I refuse to talk to Erica about my feelings for Derek because….well, because she’s Erica damn it!  
Isaac told me she kissed Derek and I know it’s not my right to be jealous but I am okay?!  
He also told me that Derek wasn’t really keen on it but that doesn’t make it any better. If he refuses Erica why should he even think about a teenage boy who’s gangly and pale and owns the stupidest name on earth? Call it self-pity, I don’t care! It’s the truth. I’m not as beautiful as Jackson or as clever as Lydia, as hot as Erica or as cute as Danny and he’s so cute!  
Okay okay I should stop. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!  
No, I’m not crying thank you very much!

 

It’s just….When I’m near him I get this longing to touch and comfort him when he’s in a black mood or just pissed because of one of his betas did something stupid (most of the time it’s Scott fyi!). Of course I think about his strong hands when I have some private sexy Stiles-time but I swear it’s more than that.

 

When I think about mom and become sad I just want to know him by my side. I just want to fall asleep in his embrace, to kiss him whenever I feel like it even when the pack is around and I really want to introduce him to my dad as my boyfriend.  
Want him to be my first real kiss, want to tell him all the stories about my mom and cook him the soup she always made for me when I was sick and couldn’t keep anything else in my stomach. I want to tell him how beautiful he is and that his ears are the cutest things ever because they make him look like an elf. A very dark and muscled elf, but still! And I want to touch his beard that is so sexy and since when do I even like beards on men?! On the other hand since when do I like men? I always liked boys, yes, but men? Not so much. 

 

I don’t want to own him like Erica wanted to, I just want to make him feel as snug as a bug in a rug y’know? With me. In my bed. Naked. Dripping with sweat and breathing heavy ‘cause of me. I would make him feel so good…said the virgin, ha.  
Did I already tell you that I’m pitiful? Please…just bury me in a hole and leave me for dead!

Whatever, it’s late now and I’m going to bed, jerk off and hopefully fall asleep soon.  
Tomorrow is pack meeting and I don’t want to look like as if I had spent all the night with writing diary like a girl (hey, no offense!).  
Uhm…well…thanks for listening and keep it up!  
I’m going to write the next days again, big promise.

 

Batman.


	2. 16.07.2012

I really miss my mum in these days. She would know what to do, what to say or how to act. I don’t even know what to think when I’m around Derek. I’m constantly talking and of course I know he hates it but I can’t help it, okay? 

I always become jittery and make a fool of myself. Congratulations Stiles, how charming. There should be an instruction. “How to woo a werewolf that wants to kill you most of the time”. Already checked Amazon but I didn’t find anything useful….well, except a lot of disturbing porn. No surprise.  
Fuck, Mum could help me. First she would laugh about my taste in men but then she would prepare a plan with me. Maybe I should make a list. “How to conquer Derek Hale’s heart in x steps”. First of all I need to figure out if the man even owns a heart. But I’m pretty sure he has, after all he takes care of Isaac like a big brother.  
But back on topic!  
Ugh, making a plan is hard. 

Okay, step one: Spend time with him without the rest of the pack. But how? I need a reason to see him. Should I ask him if he wants to watch a movie on the weekend? No, that’s stupid idea… that sounds like a date. But I could use the research on ghouls and the finfolk as an excuse, right? And while he’s helping me with the research I could just start a movie and order some pizza, maybe? Or I could cook. No, no, no, that would be too much. The guy is always suspicious so that would definitely backfire. And he would more than likely kill me with his teeth. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to feel his teeth one day, but not like this.  
I wonder if he likes biting…because I would totally let him! No! Bad Stiles! Focus!

 

Okay, so inviting him over to do research is step one. But how do I do step two? I still have to tell him that he helps me doing research. Should I ask him on the next pack meeting or should I rather call him? No and no. I’ll send him a text. Because I’m such a fearless person, y’know?  
Okay, so I’m staring at the screen of my phone right now without any clue what to write.  
How about “Hey Derek, are you free next Saturday evening? I could need help with the research?” or maybe something more daring like “If I always have to do the research, you could at least help me next Saturday evening”?

I think I’ll take the first text. I mean I want to make him fall in love with me and not challenge him to kill me, right?

 

Okay Stiles, you can do it. You can do it! I can’t possibly do this. I’m a wimp. Allow me to introduce Stiles, the king of self-pity. At your service!  
What am I doing here? I just have to press send, it’s easy! It’s a touch screen, so you don’t even need physical strength to do it. 

 

Fuck, I did it. I need something to distract myself with. 

-

5 minutes later and he didn’t respond yet. Does he even check his phone?

-

18 minutes later and still no answer! 

-

22 minutes…

-

30 minutes… maybe he waits outside on the roof and waits for my dad to leave so he can kill me without any interruption. Dad, if you read this: Sorry you have to read this diary and I love you. It was Derek Hale who killed me. Please don’t arrest him, it was my own fault.

-

48 minutes…that’s so embarrassing. I bet he laughs about me right now. Stiles Stilinski, the stupid love-crazed fool, ha ha. 

-

Okay, now it’s getting ridiculous. I’ll just go in the kitchen and make something to eat. Without my phone, I promise!

-

So maybe I broke my own promise, who cares? Don’t judge me; I changed my mind, it’s the fault of my ADHD. It’s always the fault of my ADHD.

Should I write a second text and tell him I changed my opinion and I could do the work alone? No, rather not. Being in love is so exasperating. And there’s no one who warns you when you’re a little child. No, you just learn to believe in fairy tales and their love stories. Dirty lie!

-

Damn! The guy needs to check his phone at some point.  
Does he even use his phone? What if he just howls when he needs one of his betas? Or maybe he ignores me; I think that’s more likely. Now I’m sad, great.

 

-

1 hour and 21 minutes. He’ll never answer that text. I’m screwed and I really really want to cry very manly tears now. 

-

Wuahahaha! Finally! Oh my god, I feel so relieved!  
I have to admit that it’s not the enthusiastic answer I hoped for but at least he wrote me back! It’s the thought that counts, right?!  
“I’ll be there at seven. – D.” Seriously, I’m so fucking happy right now. I mean we have a date! Just one of us knows it’s a date but that’s subordinate. 

 

That means I still have three more days to plan the whole evening. If I should ask Danny what clothes I should wear? Lydia would grill me about it and ugh no, I’ll pass on that. Or she would take me go shopping and that’s even worse.

 

I’m so excited right now…I don’t think I can sleep tonight.  
But hey, I’ll tell you about it, I promise!

 

Stiles :)


	3. 19.07.2012

Hi,

It’s Friday. Tomorrow is my 'research date' with Derek. And I’m already nervous as hell. Even Scott noticed that I was jitterier than usually, not to mention Lydia and Erica.   
Blondie with her leather jacket, monster boobs and that nose that can smell everything.   
But I’m still more afraid of Lydia. Why? Because it’s Lydia we’re talking about!

She just looked at me today and I knew I would get problems. I think it’s one of her thousand talents to make me uncomfortable within five seconds.  
It was like she knew about my daydreams, because the first thing she asked me about was my research and if I need any help. But I could pick out an undertone, like she knew exactly what I plan with Derek. So I talked with Isaac to escape her shrewd eyes.   
Scott just asked me if I was okay and that was it.

Erica however thought I’d become sick and let me tell you, she’s a total mother hen under all the makeup.   
I thought about asking Danny for advice again, but I’m pretty sure he’ll give me the cold shoulder and tell me to solve my problems alone.  
So I asked google for help. Don’t laugh.

And the results were…well, I think the word I’m looking for is disillusioning.

 

 

There was a site with a “very promising” headline:

 

How to show a guy that you like him:

1) Don’t give him mixed signals! – Haha, very funny. I’m Stiles Stilinski, no one is able to unravel my charming personality, let alone Derek.

 

2) Try to get him to catch you looking at him a few times. Don't do this often though or you'll appear creepy in his eyes. Eye contact is very important and also you should just smile and hopefully he'll smile back. – That’s my favourite. “Or you’ll appear creepy”. God, they don’t know Mr. Sourwolf.

 

3) Be playful with him. – No, thanks. I tried to play fetch with him once and at the end I needed Scott as a claw proof vest. 

 

4) Don't force him into becoming your boyfriend. It's hard for a guy to say "no" to a girl. – For one thing: Whoever that wrote didn’t know Derek. (He’s a pro at saying no. Hey, that was a rhyme.) And for another thing: I’m not a girl and that’s discriminatory. Boys need to know who to show a guy that you like him, too.

 

5) Don't ignore him. – Okay, I can do that with both hands tied.

 

6) Don't laugh too much at their jokes. - I don't know what you're on about. That danger doesn’t exist. I’m responsible for the jokes.

 

7) Don't pour on the perfume! Instead, try adding a LITTLE perfume with a sexy, good smelling scent. – What is a ‘good smelling scent’ for a werewolf nose? Eau de dead rabbit?

 

8) If you're stuck between liking two boys, don't be like Bella. – Don’t be like Bella. That’s the first good advice that they gave me, no one should be like Bella. Bella shouldn’t be like Bella. But I just like one guy, so point eight is in vain.

 

9) Start small and work your way up gradually, being attentive to how he responds every time you take it up a notch. – He stopped hitting me against cold walls, does that count?

 

10) Remember, guys like to feel like the man. Fluff his ego by saying „Your eyes are amazing " Or " Your smile is really nice“ – Okay okay okay, that’s too funny for words. It’s hilarious.   
He’s the alpha, I don’t think it would be a good idea to fluff his already big enough ego. Don’t get me wrong, his eyes are amazing, but I prefer them hazel. Not red. And I definitely don’t like them pointed at me.

 

11) Don't crowd his space. – Oh, maybe they know him after all. I’ll try it. Even if I want to jump his bones like the weirdo I am.

 

12) Get him alone and just tell him you like him. Easiest way. Just don't go creeper status on the poor guy. – Are you fucking crazy? I’M not the creeper in our situation! He’s the king of the creepers.

 

Ugh, I don’t know what to do. Point 7 is actually a good idea. No perfume! All of my ‘hairy friends’ have sensitive noses, so I don’t need to spend my money on expensive liquid, awesome. 

But is it to much if I would say something like “hey, I really enjoyed the evening?’, ‘we should do this more often!’ or ‘I like spending my time with you?’.  
That wouldn’t be a confession of love but it’s nice, isn’t it?

 

Even if he would punch me (and I include that possibility in my plan), he would know that I like him, right? 

He could decide for himself what to think about it.   
God, mom would say something like “just be yourself, Stiles. If he doesn’t want you, he’s not good enough for you.”

Easier said than done.

 

Well, tomorrow is the big day, wish me luck. 

\- Stiles.


	4. 20.07.2012

The night was a success! 

 

I had to do all the talking, but what else is new?!  
I admit it, he looked kinda shocked when I made him a compliment, but he didn’t kill me either, so I count it as a total success.  
We started with the research on leviathans. The real leviathans, not the leviathans Sam and Dean are hunting in season seven of Supernatural. No, I mean the sea monsters. Did you know that the leviathan is one of the seven princes of hell and its gatekeeper? No? Now you do.

 

Derek said his father had read him about the sea monsters and how to kill them.  
I doubt that that was a very soothing nursery story for a little child but what do I know about werewolf parenting?  
Or maybe Derek was always a little creeper who wanted to know how to kill every being on earth since he was born?

 

Congratulations Stiles, your taste in men is morally questionable. Well, it’s just the luck of draw.  
But he told me about his family and his experiences with other mythical creatures. They hosted a centaur for a month and his little brother almost couldn’t pull himself up because the men/horse/whatever smelled so freaking good an he wasn’t able to control his wolf at the time. I laughed my ass off and I think I saw something like a small smile on Derek’s face. I like his smile, it suits him. It makes him look adorable.  
I would never have thought I would use the words ‘Derek’ and ‘adorable’ in one sentence.

 

Yeah, the evening was actually pretty comfortable. It was cosy and surprisingly relaxed. I ordered pizza, we worked on the bestiary together and watched the first few episodes of the first season of Game of Thrones besides. 

 

Almost four hours later we eventually finished the chapter about the banshee and then we continued watching GoT.  
He didn’t immediately turn tail and flee! I take it as a compliment.

 

No, we sat on my bed and watched the entire first season. And maybe I fell asleep. And yeah, maybe I drooled on his black favourite henley because maybe I snuggled down in his arms. Who can blame me for doing it?! He didn’t push me away and I didn’t even realize where my head rested at that moment. 

 

Is the snuggling a wolf thing or was it like a privilege just for me? I should ask Isaac or Scott about it. I didn’t even realize it was so late (or so early) in the morning until dad came home in the morning from his night shift. 

 

He disentangled himself and slipped out of my window. My bed still smells like him, it’s a heaven on earth. 

 

Can't remember the last time I've slept so well.  
And then I was woken up by my phone with a text of Derek. “If you still need help, call me. Is there a second season of Game of Thrones?”  
That’s Derek Hale for “Will you be mine?” I’m sure about that.

 

I’m so proud of me right now. No one can resist the Stilinski charm.

Next Friday, Derek and I will continue the research/snuggling/bonding time.  
Until then I need to avoid Lydia and her knowing gaze. 

 

Stiles :)


	5. 22.07.2012

I’m at the parking lot right now with Scott and I’m waiting. Why? I’m going to tell you why!

 

But to start off with: I’m so screwed. 

 

Isaac knows. And Lydia. But that’s hardly a surprise. As if I didn’t have enough problems already.  
We were sitting at the table outside of the cafeteria, Scott was making out with Allison somewhere under the bleachers, Jackson preferred to spend his free period in front of the mirrors in the locker room to survey his beautiful beautiful face or whatever handsome people do – I don’t know and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know – and Danny, Boyd and Erica didn’t even show up. So I was alone with Lydia and Isaac, what was cool. But then I went to the restrooms because I always have to pee when I drink too much tea. Ha, noticed the rhyme? 

 

But when I came back, Isaac and Lydia downright stared at me. Isaac looked shocked; Lydia however looked amused and smug. But they didn’t say anything so I didn’t know if I did something completely stupid.  
But then I saw the screen of my phone. One missed call from ‘Derek Hale’. Oh shit.

So that meant they both heard the ringtone I picked especially for him. Fuck, fuck, fuck.  
“It’s not so bad”, I tried to convince myself. It wasn’t any good at all.  
It was bad. It was so bad!  
Derek’s personalized ringtone is ‘All Babes Are Wolves’ by Spinnerette…  
And how do you explain a song with such lyrics:

 

“Come on babe, I've never needed you so bad  
You were born on a full moon, but baby,  
I'm the only one howlin'  
Baby, baby, baby

Come on and give me the keys back  
I never meant to deceive you.  
I was born on a bad moon,  
Baby, baby, baby

Oh Babe, I would die for you  
Oh Babe, I will never stray  
Oh Babe, I would die for you  
Oh Babe, I will never leave

Come on Babe, I never knew that you needed me  
I was born on the wrong side,  
The wrong side of everything  
Knives in the kitchen, sheets on the bed  
It's just another distraction from the love we have!”

 

Exactly, you can’t. Even if I was lucky and they just heard the beginning of the song…well, let’s just say I revealed my best kept secret. At least Isaac seemed to be surprised. Lydia just looked like the cat that got the cream. And I was standing there in front of the table and blushed crimson like a 14-year old boy who just got caught watching an 18+ movie.  
I had two options: a) to ignore the situation and b to try to make me look less like a fool and to come up with reliable explanation. Or c) to just sit back down and give a loud groan of frustration. I chose the latter like the hero I am.

That was the moment Mrs. Martin had to torture me with her sweet but very cruel voice.  
“I don’t know what to find more upsetting. ‘Come on babe, I've never needed you so bad’ or ‘It's just another distraction from the love we have’? And since when are you howling for our alpha? No offense Stiles, but you’re beyond help. I’ll go and leave your shame to you. Bye.”

Yes, therefore she heard the whole song. Isaac still looked uncomfortable in his skin and when I asked him to just forget it and never address it again please, he immediately agreed and fled. He didn’t even touch his food.  
Today was one of the worst Mondays I’ve ever had. And I’m friends with Scott since preschool, so that’s really saying a lot.

 

But I still had to call Derek back. He never calls me; I admit I was a bit worried. Did he do something stupid again? Like last spring when he chased after a Tengu because the guy played tricks on him. Derek got suckered and we had to get him down from the crown of a tree. He still doesn’t know how he got there. Or so he claims. It was hilarious until I laughed at him and he threatened to rip out my throat with his claws.  
Whatever!

 

I called him and he said he couldn’t make it the next Saturday to help me with the bestiary because…well, he didn’t give a reason but I guess it’s something super important like chasing butterflies or fishing salmons with his teeth or he needs to sharpen his claws again…I think you get the point.

 

But – and here is the good news – he said he would pick me up after school – that means actually five minutes ago - so we could end the chapter on whatsoever today.  
That’s great, isn’t it?  
NO! It’s not. I’m wearing my oldest jeans right and today was lacrosse practice, so I look an idiot right now. Like a sweaty idiot to be specifically because I didn’t have enough time to hop under the shower. And now he’s already ten minutes late and I can’t get rid of Scott and I would really prefer to not let him in on my secret. It’s already bad enough that Isaac and Lydia know about it. Scott would just freak out like a jealous child. Even if there isn’t a reason to be jealous. Thank you, but no thanks. And now he’s asking me why I write in a little book…Told him I blue-pencil the notes I took for him in chemistry.  
Awesome, now he looks like a little puppy and I feel bad about it, ugh.

Oh no... I think I see a black camaro. And Scott can see the car, too. Damnit! Got to go! Wish me luck.

 

Stiles.


	6. 23.07.2012

I almost killed him. Scott, I mean. It took all my willpower not to punch him.  
Derek didn’t wait in his car. No, he came towards us and I panicked a bit. Scott just stood there all dressed up and with nowhere to go. And he asked Derek what he was doing in the school parking lot. Asked him if he waited for Erica and Boyd and that they already took the bus so Derek could leave. 

And Derek looked at me as if he waited for me to come up with an explanation for Scotty. But my mind was completely blank so I told Scott that he could take my Jeep to drive home because I would take a ride with Derek, because we had important stuff to do and at that point Derek interrupted my glorious clarification and told Scott that we’re working on the bestiary and Scott just kept his mouth shut. And I was so relieved….until Scott made a joke. “Oh, I almost started to think you wanted to get rid of me. Because the only time you wanted to get rid of me, you planned on proposing to Lydia in third grade.” As I said, I almost killed him. At least I thought about it.  
Derek just looked confused, but that’s his usual appearance, so I’m not quite sure what to think about it. Maybe he just took it as the joke it was supposed to be. A very stupid joke.

 

Or maybe he thinks I’m a stalker now. Then again I’M not the one who sneaks through the windows of teenagers at midnight.  
Whatever, I just tried to fake a laugh, said my good bye to my ‘best friend’ and went to Derek’s black car. The ride to my house was so awkward I didn’t even dare to speak. Instead I tried to control my heartbeat. My heart leapt into my throat. It was a mixture of anxiety and a thrill of anticipation. Dad wasn’t at home when we arrived and we went inside. The first time I saw Derek using an intact door! The poor guy looked pretty tense (don’t know why) and I decided to make dinner. Well, I ordered Bibimbap and Curry Guksu from the Korean delivery service. And you know what? Derek paid for it. I didn’t even ask him to.

 

I was taking a shower as I heard the door bell ring, but when I came downstairs the food already stood on the table. And Derek set the table. That. Was. So. Weird.  
But at the same time, it was quite comfortable. We ate in silence, washed the dishes afterwards and then we headed to my room and started the next chapter. It was about the basilisk. Personally, I think it’s very unlikely we’ll ever have to confront a basilisk, but hey, I said the same about centaurs, so I just shut up. You never know.  
Eventually I asked Derek where we stopped with the second season of Game of Thrones and two minutes later we were sitting on my bed again. 

 

It was nice until he frowned at me because I laughed at him for saying “I’m afraid he’ll die” during the fourth episode. I mean, it’s Game of Thrones, everyone dies. It’s better not to get used to a character. And he admitted that I was right! I’m always right, but it was the first time he ever said it and it was one of the best feelings ever.  
After a few hours (hours!!) we had to replace the DVD but we were both to lazy. And we just talked. We talked like we would do it every time we see each other. Almost like friends. I didn’t even know he was so caring of his betas, especially Erica and Isaac. He didn’t say it straight away but the way he talked about Erica was actually really cute. He knows what kind shampoo she uses; that she’s not allowed out on weeknights and that her favourite movie is Casablanca but that she would deny it to the last breath.  
And that Isaac hates his middle name (it’s Edward and I laughed so hard I cried) and that Isaac is a pro at fishing for compliments.  
I think I fell even more in love with him yesterday, if that’s even possible.  
We all know his broody attitude and yeah, we know he loves to growl at us and we know he doesn’t mean in (at least not all the time) but I never thought he could be so … I don’t know.

 

Kind? Loving? Thoughtful? Caring? I still wonder who he is, but I think I’m on a good way.  
After telling me all that secrets he looked as he would regret it, but then he smiled. It was the second time I saw him smiling and I enjoyed it as much as I did it the first time. His face is made for it. And it’s my new goal to make him laugh, someday.

 

And when my dad came home, Derek didn’t leave. I went downstairs to greet my dad and expected Derek to be gone when I came back to my room. But he was still there, on my bed, as if that would be a regular thing. I looked dumbfounded, I guess. Because he asked me if I wanted him to leave and no no no, I definitely didn’t want him to leave.

 

So Derek kept an ear on my dad downstairs and we continued watching the series. But the crowning event was when I suddenly felt a heavy weight on my shoulder. Derek fell asleep. And oh my god! My heart beat that fast I swear he almost woke up from it.  
After a few minutes I calmed down a bit and yes, I really enjoyed it. I never had the opportunity to really look at him. Sure, I observed him very thoroughly every time he took off his shirt, but I never saw him like this. Almost vulnerable. He looks younger when he sleeps, calmer and strangely soft. Even his stubble looked softer. And it also felt softer as expected. Yeah, I toughed him, so what?! I had to take my chance! No one can blame me for doing it. Who could resist, hmm? I obviously couldn’t, sue me.  
Derek is a real cuddle bear. He slung his arm around my waist, put his head on my chest and (so adorable!) started to snore.  
Apparently I was pretty tired, too. Don’t know from what, but I fell asleep with my arms around his shoulders and with our legs tangled up in each other.

 

But when I woke up, he was gone. His bedside was still warm and I found a note on my drawer this morning. “Thanks.”  
Thanks for what? Thanks for cuddling with me? No problem, any time!  
Thanks for listening? Again, any time! Or thanks for being a comfortable pillow? Because I can’t emphasize it strongly enough: Any time, Derek!

 

We didn’t finish the last chapter on basilisks, so I think I’ll send him a text and ask him to come over next Friday. 

 

But right now, I’m pretty happy :) 

 

\- Stiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 12 am and I'm awake since 22 hours. So if you find any mistakes ... I don't know...then you can keep them.  
> I'm really tired, but I wanted to finish this chapter so bad, so here it is.  
> Sorry for any careless mistakes.
> 
> And thanks for all the love, I really appreciate it :)


	7. 25.07.2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a chapter about Stiles and his mother.

People tell you things like “You’ll never forget your mom. You’ll never forget the way she was.”  
But that’s not true. It’s different in my case. It’s right, I’ll never forget her smile or what flowers she loved, but you forget the really important things. The way she smelled, for example. And I start to forget her voice, and that fucking hurts. It feels like betrayal. She was my mother, I loved her and now I can’t remember her voice? I can still hear her laugh. It was loud and contagious. Everyone around her had to join in; you didn’t really have a choice. But now, almost five years after her dead and I can’t remember her voice. Sure, I know it was a high and clear voice, but that’s all. 

 

After she died, I just blocked out all my feelings. I didn’t want to think about my mom. All the good memories of my mother were replaced by bad ones. All I could think about was the way she looked before she died. Her pale face, the waxy skin and her lifeless eyes. People tend to whitewash the dead. Did you see the dying people in movies? Or did you read about them in books? It always sounds so peaceful and calm, but that’s a big fat lie. Mom looked like a ghost; she hallucinated and was always frightened. I don’t know what it was that scared her so much, but she was always tensed.  
One day she didn’t even recognize me, asked me who I was and what I wanted.

Dad, my teachers, Mrs. McCall…they all expected me to cry every day, to start talking about it, but I never did. I did withdraw into myself. I didn’t feel very much. No, I felt numb. I just wanted it to be over. I couldn’t see her every day, because I didn’t want to see her expressionless face. My mom was long gone, just the shell was left behind. I couldn’t bear to see her suffering. That wasn’t my mom. My mom was affectionate, warm, loud and happy. But all I saw was a body without any emotion.  
The day she died was a sunny one. And I was so weird. Our life collapsed around us and it felt so cold without her. But the sun was shining, the birds were chirping and all the other kids were playing in the park. 

But you know what the worst was? I felt so relieved. I know it sounds hard, I know it sounds selfish and mean, but I finally stopped feeling numb. It hurt, yes. But I knew, wherever she was gone, that she didn’t have to suffer anymore. And I feel still guilty about it, I’m still ashamed, but it was so relieving. Finally I could take a deep breath again, like a pressure on my chest had disappeared. 

Dad was a wreck, and I tried to help him as much as I could. I tried to be the best student in class, but I never could beat Lydia Martin.  
I started to take care of myself because my father buried himself in his work.  
Today is mom’s birthday. And I don’t know what to do with myself. It would feel like a lie if I would celebrate it on my own. But I don’t want to forget it, either.   
God, it’s just so hard to explain. 

Today is also the first time I really admitted my feelings. I could never tell dad about it and Scott would listen, but he couldn’t understand me. So yeah, I think it’s a good idea to write diary. Sounds stupid, but I already feel a bit better.  
Maybe Derek would understand me (at least a bit), but I’m afraid to ask him. But yeah, that’s no concern of mine.

 

Stiles.


	8. 27.07.2012

I’m starting to think that Isaac hates me. Every time I wanted to talk to him he fled. And I have no idea what I did say to scare him away. Maybe he knows that Derek told me about his crush on Miley Cyrus and now he’s ashamed? Or wait, no. Was is Miley Cyrus or was it her fiancé? I couldn’t blame him; the whole Hemsworth-family is handsome.

Personally, I would prefer Chris, because he’s Thor!  
And I always wanted to examine Mjölnir…But that’s not the topic, sorry.

 

Anyway, Isaac tries to avoid me and Lydia just looks at me. Like all the time. Whenever I see her on the hall or at the cafeteria, she wears a smug grin on her face. And it’s just not fair, because I don’t know why! It’s like she knows something I don’t know and it drives me crazy. She’s even worse than Deaton and the guy is a fucking enigma.   
Why is it so hard to answer straight off, huh?  
She could just tell me, okay? But no, Lydia keeps me guessing.  
At least Jackson seems to be equally annoyed at her new mysterious behavior, so I’m not the only one. Misery loves company.

 

The good news is Scott is still oblivious about my crush on his alpha.  
But Derek is, too. And I don’t know if that is bad or good news.  
Eventually he needs to know that I have feelings for him, otherwise he couldn’t propose to me one day. And that would shoot my ten year plan down. I’m on the horns of a dilemma.  
The problem is I still don’t have a well-wrought plan for admitting my feelings.

I can’t just say “Hey Derek, don’t know if you care, but I just want you to know that I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life. What do you think about it?”  
I would be dead within 2 seconds. Or no, he would die of shock. Is that even possible? I don’t know, but I don’t want to test it.  
Or even worse; he would laugh at me for being so stupid and naïve.

 

I mean, you didn’t see him, because you’re a book. But I promise you he’s perfect.  
Five o'clock shadow, perfect hair, beautiful eyes, a bit taller than me, fair skin, ripped abs and god, he smells so good!

 

Like nature. He smells like the forest and soil, like nuts (don’t laugh!) and sweet woodruff. I asked Scott about it sometime about it (not exactly about Derek of course) but he mentioned that the scent of an alpha is the strongest for all pack members.

 

But he also said that Derek would always smell like sawdust and water for him. I didn’t even know that water has a scent…However, Scott never mentioned woodruff or soil, but it’s all I can associate Derek with. Maybe Scott just forgot about it. That must be it.  
I wonder what I smell like. Would it be weird to ask Derek about it round the back?  
Yep, definitely. I’m going to do it anyway. As if I had control over my mouth…ha.

 

Tomorrow he’ll come over and I have a big problem. There is only one episode of Game of Thrones left. I need new bait so he’ll continue helping me with the research. Do you think he likes typical action movies like Die Hard or … I don’t know…Die Hard 2?  
I hope so, because I’m the proud owner of all parts :) 

I’m pretty sure the fifth part will be awesome! The actor of John McClane’s son is the guy who played Varro on ‘Spartacus’. And damn, the guy is hot!  
Oh, maybe I could watch ‘Spartacus’ with him? Derek loves to fight and he loves to shed blood, so maybe that’s a good idea?  
Or no… no, no, and no. Scratch that. That’s a stupid idea. I can’t watch all the sex scenes while sitting next to Derek. That would end badly. And I really want to keep my dignity a while longer.

 

And I need a new topic for the bestiary. The 'winselmutter', maybe? Word is that she was/is similar to the ‘white lady’. Maybe I could choose her as a topic?   
Or I’m going over to plan B; the 'wendigo'.  
Plan C: We just watch Supernatural. Yeah, that’s actually a great idea. That way I could ask Derek about all the monsters and creatures of the series and I could spend time with him. Stiles, you’re a genius.

 

I think I’m going to take a nap now. It’s not even five o’clock but I’m already tired…

\- Stiles.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Same-day, three hours later.

 

No! He’s coming over today and I know I should be happy about it, but I’m tired and I’m feeling sick to the stomach. I look like a picture of misery…gross. I’m exhausted and pale in the face, my limbs hurt and I think I have a headache.   
Great, just great! Now I’m starting to shiver. 

 

Google says I have influenza. Not cool.  
Shit, Derek said he would be here in thirty minutes. I don’t want him to see me like this.   
Man! I tried to call him, but he doesn’t answer his phone. I sent him a text, too but there’s no response yet. Fuck, I don’t know what to do! I need help!


	9. 03.08.2012

The last week was both heaven and hell. I don’t know what was worse; the eyestrain, the fever, the nausea or the headache. I couldn’t go to school and spent the time in bed. I couldn’t even watch TV because my eyeballs hurt. To put it in a nutshell, the flu sucks.   
Dad even took a day off from work, I didn’t want to infect him, and so the next day I convinced him to go back to work. Scott, Allison and Lydia visited me a few times, even Isaac showed up one time. Okay, he looked very uncomfortable in his own skin, but still.  
But the wolves couldn’t stand the smell of stench of sickness, so yeah, it was a flying visit.  
I can’t blame them; even I could smell it with my human, stuffed-up nose. But all my joints hurt and I was too flabby to stand up to air my room. Aside from that I broke into terrible shivers, so I didn’t even want to open the windows.  
That was the hellish part of my week: the flu by itself.

 

Now to the good part of my week!  
My nurse was the best! Nurse Hale was a big surprise.  
I tried to call him to tell him he shouldn’t come over, but he didn’t answer his stupid cell phone. Circa five minutes later I heard someone opening my window. Fuck.  
‘Luckily’ I traded my jeans and the sweater I wore that day to school for a pair of old pajamas. The pants are purple with small white and black stars on it. It was a gift of Aunt Helen, okay?! And they’re comfortable. And in my defense I only wear them on holidays and whenever I’m sick. 

 

To make a long story short; I looked like an idiot. Snotty, pale and dressed like a five-year-old. Awesome.  
Derek whereas looked almost amused. And not even a bit surprised.

Then I tried to explain him that he could go back to his house, because obviously I was too far gone to do any research and that I’m sorry I that I messed up his day’s schedule, but all he did was to give me his ‘Stiles-shut-the-fuck-up’-look and then he commanded me to stay in my bed. When I didn’t make an attempt to move because I was confused, he tucked me in bed. Unfortunately I was too exhausted to really enjoy it.  
And then he was gone. He just left.  
Okay, I was the one that told him to go, but I was still disappointed. 

 

I fell asleep and a few hours later I was awakened by someone. Derek was back again and I swear my heart leapt into my throat.  
He didn’t talk much, just gave me a bottle of water, a few pills against the fever and then he confined me to bed. Should I call him Dr. Sexy or Dr. Dreamy? Tough decision…

 

But you know what was the best?  
He fed me. Derek Hale alias ‘I’ll kill you-Hale’ fed me when I was sick.  
He fed me fruits. Kiwifruit, oranges, currants, mangos, grapefruit, strawberries, etc. etc. etc.  
Derek babbled something about magnesium and vitamin c, but I didn’t listen. I was distracted because sometimes my lips touched his fingers and every damn time that happened I was focused on trying to calm down. 

 

After a while he asked me if it would be okay for me I he would watch the last episode of Game of Thrones on my laptop or if it would be too distracting for me to fall asleep again.  
Of course he could!

 

That way he stayed with me and it was much easier to fall asleep. Yeah, I don’t know why (the situation was so embarrassing in that moment) but I felt safe around him. And I’m such a fucking idiot, because I told him about it.  
My blanket was in the way, I couldn’t see his face in that moment and god, I felt so stupid. But after a minute or something he said ‘thank you’.  
Derek Hale thanked me for being a clingy teenager. 

 

He nursed me back to health. And he did it the entire week. Sometimes, when I woke up, my head was rested on his chest. But he never tried to get rid of me. Okay, he didn’t react at all, to be honest, but still.  
He took care of me and I didn’t even have to ask.

 

I still feel a bit weak, but I’m healthy again.   
Right now I’m sitting on a bench in the park and you know what?  
When I left the house today, Derek immediately sent me a text.   
“You forgot your jacket. Go get it. Now.”  
And for the first time ever I did what he said. Even if it’s August and hot outside.

 

\- Stiles :)


	10. 05.08.2012

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. just a short entry today!

Today we were at the ice rink. And with ‘we’ I mean the pack. Boyd reserved the rink for a few hours, so we could be alone. I just fell down two times! And it was totally Jackson’s fault. Stupid mythical creatures and their outstanding speed!  
I felt like a snail. Like a slowly crawling snail with a Mets tricot. Hey, Snails are classy, too!  
But Jackson wasn’t a jerk today. No, he even apologized to me! Don’t know why, but he did.  
It was actually kind of cute how he came back to help me up.  
He even tried to brush the powdersnow off my ass. Believe me, it sounds nice, but it really isn’t. 

Lydia looked like a freaking ballerina version of Barbie in her pink lace dress, hand in hand with her own version of Ken.  
But I really hope for both of them that they own genitals.  
On the other side…That could be the reason Jackson is always so grumpy. Maybe he misses his junk?  
Ugh, I’ll get nightmares from this.  
Nevermind! We found out that Boyd played ice hockey for a year. Well, until our Adonis bit him.  
He traded a brutal sport for more power and friends. I think it’s a fair exchange.  
Oh, and Isaac looks like a gazelle on the ice. Graceful and like a cute little princess with curly hair. The kid deserves a crown.

 

But the highlight of the day was Derek. Of course it was Derek! Well, more or less.  
The reason was Scott. He’s the worst ice-skater ever. You should have seen him!  
The poor guy looked so scared. He looked like Bambi on the ice.  
Scott claimed that it was the fault of his ice skates; they would be too big or something like that. I don’t know. It was just a slim excuse, anyway.  
Five minutes later he came back with a new par of ice skates to try it again.  
It went well.  
Until he crashed right into the ice hockey goal. He was completely buried under the thing.  
And it looked hilarious. Well, it looked hilarious for the rest of the pack. I’m not so sure about Scott’s opinion.  
But after a few seconds he recovered from his self-imposed shock and laughed with us.  
What we didn’t expect was Derek’s laughter. Our alpha laughed so hard that he cried. And you know what? He looked so beautiful.

We were all a bit shocked and immediately stopped laughing, but Derek just couldn’t stop, and the sight was so great that we joined in a second time.  
Allison helped Scott to free himself out of the nets. He’s still a bit angry at us. Especially Derek, but he wouldn’t admit it.  
He just glared at him the rest of the day. Even when Derek bought him a Happy Meal he was still grumpy. But at least Derek’s mood was great. 

 

Oh, and did I mention that Derek took my hand on the ice rink? Just for a few minutes, but still!  
Okay, he took Isaac’s hand, too. But Isaac is like a little brother to him, so it’s not really the same, right?  
Or maybe I’m like a brother for him, too? No, that would be cruel.  
“You’re like a brother to me” would be the most hurtful thing he could ever say to me.  
Don’t think about bad things, Stiles. That’s useless.  
But I can think about good things! And you know what’s good? Great, even?  
Today after dinner he asked me if he could come over later. Then I asked him if he could bring over a few books from the old Hale library to make the research easier he said, and I quote, “forget the research. Today is about fun, not work. The chapter on mermaids can wait until next Friday. What can’t wait is ‘Lord of the Rings’. Never saw the movies. We could watch them today?”

 

I’m still freaking out a bit! Okay, a lot!  
Because I suggested to cook as an exception. Just because I can’t see the take-out anymore.  
God, I can’t even lie to myself, I’m so pathetic. Okay, I did it so we could spend more time together. But he didn’t argue, so that’s good, right?

 

I need to go grocery shopping now.  
I’ll keep you up to date, I promise!

-Stiles.


	11. 06.08.2012

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's just a short chapter today, sorry.
> 
> But there's finally some action!  
> Well, a tiny little bit ;)

Oh my god, it was awesome! I’m still excited, I’m still happy and I’m totally freaking out right now for the nth time. Yesterday was just a really successful day.  
We made Chili con Carne and Derek is actually a really good cook!  
He even made Tiramisu. God, it was so delicious. He would make a perfect husband.   
He would look hot in a suit!  
And I’m pretty sure a wedding band would make him look even more attractive, if indeed such a thing is possible. 

Stop making plans, Stiles! Stop it!   
He was so cute yesterday. But I really had to control my libido when he licked the mousse of the dessert off his fingers. I can just hope that he didn’t concentrate his attention on my heartbeat. 

 

Anyway! We ate dinner, Derek talked about his time in high school, I talked about lacrosse and the new kid at school and after a while we headed to my room and started our Lord of the Rings marathon. First I laid down on the right side of my bed, Derek was on the left side. He took off his new leather jacket (I think he collects them) and my whole room smelled of him. He didn’t even wear any perfume, but he smelled so good! Fresh and sweaty at the same time, it was just intoxicating.  
It’s a wonder I didn’t get a boner then and there.

 

The first movie started and we fell quiet for almost two hours, but it wasn’t any awkward at all. No, it was a comfortable silence. When the movie ended and I had to put in the next DVD, I noticed how entwined our legs were. Derek didn’t say one word; he didn’t even look at me. Instead he focused his eyes on the closing credits. First I thought that maybe he was embarrassed, but why should he? When I was sick I slept on his chest, so I was pretty sure I didn’t do anything extremely stupid. I mean, I didn’t even realize that our legs were touching until this very moment.

 

When the second movie started I didn’t know how to lie down. I wasn’t sure if it would be okay to touch him again or if it would make him feel uncomfortable.   
But Derek didn’t say anything, so I crawled back under the covers. We talked a bit about the movie, about how detailed the costumes are and about the elves and their language and then there was this sad scene with Aragorn. They’re fighting and then he’ falling off a cliff and blah blah blah. Anyway! I love the scene and I said something like ‘Damn, he’s too hot to die’ and when I realized what I just said it was already too late and Derek had this look on his face. I don’t know how to describe it. Confused? Relieved? Surprised or even shocked?

It’s always hard to tell. The guy has the best poker face.   
I felt super weird and uncomfortable and I was embarrassed. I didn’t know why, but I was embarrassed.   
I didn’t tell anyone that I was interested in men yet. Well, not officially.   
And I didn’t plan to tell it Derek of all people.   
I didn’t know what to do and I tried to get a distance between us. But when I tried to move away, Derek slung his arm over my shoulder and asked me why I smelled of shame. 

 

Before I could answer him, Derek said “You don’t have to be ashamed because you like Aragorn. But I would still prefer Legolas. He’s more…delicate. And he looks more flexible than Aragorn.”  
And then he smirked and pulled me closer until my arm touched his chest and my head rested on his shoulder and I wasn’t able to watch the movie anymore because I was in fucking heaven and…I seriously have to calm down right now. The memory still makes me giddy.   
Derek was so nice and thoughtful, we talked about the men of Lord of the Rings and what’s so hot/cute about them and every now and then he asked me if I ever told someone about my sexuality. But he never pushed me, he listened when I talked about the topic. I told him about the first time I was interested in a boy and in return Derek told me about that one guy he dated for three months in college. Derek’s hand touched my own every now and then and a little later we held hands.  
My heart skipped a beat, Derek asked me if my heart would always beat that fast and I said no. There’s no point in lying. And it seemed to be the correct answer, because I could feel him smile against my hair. Eventually the movie ended, my room became dark and we fell asleep together. 

 

When I woke up this morning I was convinced it was all a dream, because Derek was gone and the laptop was at my desk.  
But the room still smelled of him and when I jumped up to close the windows, so the smell couldn’t escape, Derek’s leather jacket fell off my shoulders. 

 

I know how it sounds, but I’m so in love, I want to draw little hearts with his name in it in my diary. Sorry in advance!

 

Do you think Derek feels the same? I’m afraid he just did all of it (the hand holding, the cuddling…) just because I felt stupid about my undying love for the king of Gondor. After all he’s still my alpha, and it’s his job to protect and comfort me, right?  
Or maybe he thinks it’s kind of a special friendship? And maybe it’s normal for a werewolf to cuddle with every member of the pack?  
What if he meant it in a platonic way?

 

Fuck self-doubts.

\- Stiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I really love to read your comments and I appreciate your kudos! :)
> 
>  
> 
> What do you want to read next? Any wishes or ideas?


	12. 08.08.2012

I had a great day! Jackson wasn’t at school, it was so harmonically. No stupid jokes about my hair or my old Converse chucks, no self-praises and lacrosse was even fun today.  
I don’t know why he was absent, but I didn’t miss him at all.  
It’s been weird between us since the ice rink incident and now I blush every time he looks at me. I don’t even know why. Don’t tell anybody, but it was so awkward because he acted like a big brother. And you don’t want your big brother to brush snow off your butt.  
Except your name is Sam and your brother’s name is Dean. But I really don’t want to think about that now.

 

Yeah, today was awesome. Scott talked about Allison the whole time but hey…it goes in one ear and out the other. I’m used to it by now. All I have to do is to say ‘Yes, I understand’ and ‘Yes, she’s very beautiful and yes, you can be very proud to be her boyfriend’ at the right time and my best friend is happy.  
Most of the times he sees things through rose-colored glasses, but he’s loyal and I can talk to him about everything. Okay, I don’t talk to him about Derek, but I know that I could if I wanted to.  
I would scar him for life, but he would listen. And that’s reassuring to know.

Well, whatever. Back to the storyline.  
School was bearable (Harris was an ass though, but I’m used to it by now) and when I went to the parking lot I knew that Derek would wait there for me.  
He didn’t send me a text or called me. I guess it’s hard to explain, but I just knew.  
I just knew that I wouldn’t spend the day all alone in my room playing old video games.  
So I wasn’t very surprised to see him standing next to my Jeep.  
And you know what? He smiled at me! :)  
A real smile, just for me.  
Scott was already gone at the time, thank god!  
And before I knew what was happening, he hugged me. Derek Hale hugged me!  
It was clumsy and I’m pretty sure I saw a blush on his cheeks before he let off and I got in his car. Coyness is a good look on him, actually.

 

He didn’t tell me our destination, of course. But after a few minutes he parked at ‘Sue’s diner’.  
It’s my favorite place to eat and I can’t believe he remembered it :)  
He’s such a cutie-pie.  
We talked about everything and anything. I know so much of him now. His favorite color is green (not really a surprise), he likes seafood and white chocolate, he speaks French and Spanish, he can’t enjoy AC/DC because, according to him, it all sounds the same, he hates surprises and the taste of watermelons, he worked as a barkeeper in New York, his sister Laura was his role model, he likes Thanksgiving but Christmas annoys him.  
And he ignores beautiful waitresses. Listen up; it happened right in front of my eyes.  
The girl was in her late twenties, had pitch-black hair and beautiful eyes. Seriously, she looked gorgeous. Not as hot as Derek, but still very handsome.  
She fluttered her eyelashes like a maniac, but Derek completely ignored her.

Then she ‘accidentally’ touched his hand and wow…he looked so pissed. I swear I could hear her heart beating in her chest. Or maybe it was just the sound of the coffee machine next to us, I’m not sure. She apologized and fled from our table two minutes later.  
I ordered a smoothie and then we paid. Or well, Derek paid. My pancakes, the smoothie, he paid everything. But I doubt that he gave a big tip.  
On the way out we were stopped by Ms. Perfect. She slipped a little piece of paper in his palm and said “In case you need something.”  
I was so jealous, but of course I didn’t want to show it, so I just stared out of the window for about five seconds because Derek opened his mouth to tell the waitress, in a very roundabout way, to fuck off.

 

Shocked is the word that describes my reaction the best. And suddenly the poor girl looked so pale and sick.  
Derek acted as if nothing had happened and then he took my hand and headed in the direction of his car. I was so surprised that I dropped my smoothie. And you know what Derek did?  
He frowned and then he asked me if I wanted a new one.  
I really really like the new Derek. Or maybe it’s the same Derek but nobody knows his other side? It’s a possibility.  
One way or the other, I love both sides of him.

 

No, I didn’t want a new beverage, so Derek drove me home.  
He even showed me to the door….I didn’t want to ask if the time at the diner was a date, so I just shut my mouth and looked in my jacket for my front door key.  
When I found the key I noticed that Derek was still there. And he was just a few inches apart from my face. I didn’t know what to do, my hands trembled and I felt dizzy.  
And my keys fell down. I picked them up (I needed five tries) and when I stood upright again I tried to open the door, but my fingers didn’t obey me. It was so embarrassing. I mean, I’m the one who solves most of the supernatural problems, but I’m too stupid to unlock my own front door?

 

Then Derek took my key and unlocked the door for me. I thanked him, said goodbye and turned around to enter my house but suddenly Derek grabbed my arm and pulled me back.  
It reminded me of old days, when he pushed me into walls and snarled right into my face.  
Now I appreciate the second version: He gave me a kiss on the right cheek.  
I must have looked like an idiot; I didn’t expect such an action from him. I wanted to say something, but my mouth didn’t work. I just stared at him. He looked so calm.  
But Derek took my silence as permission and kissed me a second time. This time he placed the kiss right onto my mouth. And damn, it felt so good. So fucking fantastic!  
His lips felt kind of smooth and raw at the same time. Don’t know how to describe it.  
The kiss didn’t last long, maybe five seconds. And Mr. Cutie-Pie asked me if it was okay to kiss me. My stupid mouth brought out something like ‘hmmaah’, what was also totally embarrassing, so I nodded to answer.

 

He smiled, gave me a last kiss on the forehead, went to his car and then he was gone.  
And I was standing there on the threshold like the idiot I am until my dad arrived back from work.  
He just asked me if I was okay. I nodded again and eventually my legs did obey me again and I fled to my own room.  
And now I’m sitting here and write this text.  
I’m nervous, I’m happy, I’m excited and my body is playing tricks on me. I have the most painful boner…I’ll go take care of this problem now.

 

\- Bye, Stiles.


	13. 09.08.2012

Help me, please!  
I don’t know what to do. It’s shortly after midnight and I can’t sleep. I’ve tried everything!  
I drank tea and hot milk with honey, I tried to read a book to get tired…damn, I even did yoga!  
But I’m wide awake. I just can’t stop thinking, you know? Why did Derek kiss me just a few hours ago? Don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking happy about it, ecstatic even, but what did it mean to him? What does he expect from me? Does he expect something from me at all?  
Should I call him? Or would that be too soon? I know, I called him a few times over the last weeks, but that was something completely different, because that was for our research dates. The dates he doesn’t even know of.  
But he made the first move, right? But he kissed me on my forehead, does that mean something? My aunt Lisa always kissed my forehead when she said goodbye.  
Oh my god, he’s not leaving, right?!  
He can’t to that!

 

Okay Stiles, calm down. Count till ten. He wouldn’t do that to me, he’s my friend now.  
And maybe, if I’m lucky, he’s more than a friend.  
Maybe he’s my boyfriend now.  
Oh my god, I think that’s the first time I ever said that thought out loud. Well, I wrote it down, but still.  
Why am I thinking about our names carved into the bark of a tree right now?  
Oh no, I don’t want to be Scott 2.0!  
I’m not cheesy, I’m classic.

But seriously, should I call him? Or send him a text? What should I say?  
‘Hey Derek, do you want to be my boyfriend?’ or I could send him a box of chocolates together with a ‘Be Mine’ card? Oh damn, these new pills did me no good.  
I need an idea, I need a great idea!  
No, what I really need is psychological help.  
And Derek. I’m not sure what is more important at the moment.  
But hey, a fault confessed is half redressed.

 

I’m really scared. What if he changed his mind? What if he starts to avoid me?  
What if he waits for my call right now and I’m just sitting here and don’t know what to do?  
I bet he regrets it by now. I know Derek, maybe he thinks he misinterpreted my reactions and now he suffers in silence? Because that’s something he would totally do! I really like him, but I’m not stupid.

 

And I guess I have to tell Scott. He’s my best friend after all. ~~And I want his alpha to fuck me but~~..…And I like his alpha. That could cause a lot of trouble.  
And Scott can act like a toddler, so I have to be prepared.

I can’t focus on Scott right now. I’ll just tell him tomorrow.  
Now Derek is all I can think about.  
What do you prefer?  
‘Hey Derek, do you maybe want to go to on a date? With me?’ or ‘Did you kiss me because you like me or because it’s a good way to make me shut up?’

 

Fuck, I just sent the latter.

 

 

Why didn’t he answer yet? I knew it, he regrets it and now he starts to ignore me. Awesome!  
Does that mean I’m no longer part of his pack? That sucks!  
No, Derek sucks. Ha, well. I wish!

 

Oww. Derek sent a text twenty minutes ago and I scrambled off my bed to get my phone. Any now there’s a bruise forming on my left forearm.  
I hope you appreciate what I go through for you, Mister Hale!  
Seriously, it hurts.

Anyway, I don’t know how to feel about his message.  
He said ‘A bit of both, I guess.’  
Derek and Doc Deaton could be best friends; they both love to speak in riddles.

 

Well, I then asked Derek if he likes me, and he said yes and I was freaking out and then I asked him out.  
And now I regret that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy! Derek Hale likes Stiles Stilinski.  
(I seriously consider carving our names into a tree now, what the hell is wrong with me?)  
But he asked me what we would do and I said it was a surprise, but the truth is…Well, I don’t know what to plan. I never had to plan dates with hot guys!  
Okay, I never had to plan any dates at all.

 

Awesome, it’s three in the morning now, and I’m still clueless.  
We could go to the movies, but that’s now creative. We watch movies all the time when we do the research.  
And we went to the diner yesterday, so that’s a bad idea, too.  
I thought about going to the park, but it’s always so crowded there and I don’t want people to see us. I mean, everyone knows my dad and everyone knows Derek’s composite sketch and I don’t need any more drama in my life.  
What about hiking? No, I would sweat and stink and just no!  
We could go to a club, but there’s too much competition and it’s too loud to talk.  
But maybe he would take his shirt off…

 

We could have a picnic? But where? Okay, bad idea.  
Bowling? No, he’s a werewolf, there’s no challenge for him. We could see the stars together, but that’s too cheesy and too soon.  
Man, Google isn’t a big help, either.  
I guess I need to ask Lydia for help in a few hours at school. She’s a genius, she’ll help me. Well, I hope so.

 

I’ll try to sleep now for the dozenth time.  
Wish me luck!

 

\- Bye, Stiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....What would you like them to do?
> 
> Any wishes?
> 
>  
> 
> :)


	14. 10.08.2012

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some action! :D

Hey!

I don’t know where to start! I’m on cloud nine! Today was such an eventful day. So much has happened. Now Scott knows that I have a big crush on Derek, because the rascal eavesdropped when I talked to Lydia. Son of a bitch! No, scratch that! I love the guy like a brother. He was, as I anticipated, slightly shocked. But then I quickly escaped and he didn’t call me in anger yet, so I think we’re good. He’ll survive it.  
Whatever, Lydia had some brilliant ideas. But I didn’t expect it differently. She didn’t ask who my date was, though. I bet she already knows. What a surprise! But hey, good for me, right? This way I don’t have to confess it to her and she’s happy. It’s a win-win situation, I would say.  
I told her about my own stupid ideas (movies, bowling, clubbing, cooking etc) but she just turned a deaf ear to me and ignored my presence completely. What else is new?  
After ten years I’m used to it. And I still like her. I have a weird taste in friends.

 

We ate lunch, she made little notes in her notepad she uses for Mr. Harris’ classes, she hummed, she asked a few question about my date like what his favorite food is or what colors he likes to wear, then she nodded, thought about it for a few minutes and then she showed me her well-conceived plan. And you know what? She had done a diagram. A fucking diagram. Who’s crazy now?  
She had written down a few of her own ideas. But I’m not rich, so most of her ideas were in vain. But a few of her ideas were great. I liked the one with the picnic. Mostly because it was one of my own ideas. But I didn’t know where I could have a picnic with Derek without an audience. The park wasn’t an option, too much people. I wanted privacy.

And I couldn’t do it in my garden, because….because it’s my garden! Who has a picnic in a garden? No one!  
And a picnic in the middle of the forest would be boring, he’s at the forest all the time. It’s, so to say, Derek’s own garden.  
So I asked Lydia, again. And she suggested a clearing. She said something about Jackson and one of their first dates and about how romantic it was and when she didn’t stop talking I told her that I was convinced just to shut her up.  
She seemed so smug. She even wrote me a shopping list and after school she dropped a basket off for me. You should’ve seen my dad’s face.  
But it was a very nice and cute gesture, and I really appreciated it.   
So I packed the basket with wine, a fruit salad, baguette, apple pie, cookies, a blanket, two cups, cutlery and some sweets. Yes, it was very heavy at the end, but I was satisfied. 

Then I wrote Derek a text to tell him I would meet him at his house in fifteen minutes and ten minutes later he was sitting in my car, smelling of moss and grass. And it was fantastic, I loved it. We talked about our cars (he called my baby a pile of junk!) and then he asked about school. I blushed because I had to think of Lydia and how she would be sitting at home right now, knowing what I was doing in this very moment.   
It was awkward and I quickly changed the topic.

 

Derek didn’t know our destination, and he didn’t ask for it either despite the fact that he hates surprises. So maybe it was because he trusts me, I thought. It was the best feeling ever.  
When we arrived at the parking lot and climbed out of the Jeep, Derek offered to carry the heavy basket, but I refused.   
I’m strong, too! At least that’s what I thought.  
Three minutes later he took the basket because he couldn’t stand my panting. I was embarrassed for about two seconds but then I saw the way the weight made his muscles flex, and I was happy.  
He smirked, so I guess he could smell how happy I really was at the moment.  
But he didn’t comment on it, so I didn’t feel humiliated at all. It was actually pretty exciting.  
When we finally arrived the clearing (Lydia’s drawing skills really suck and we got lost three times) I saw a frown on Derek’s face.  
He had stopped talking and he looked torn between being sad or happy.  
Eventually he noticed my staring after a few minutes and apologized for his odd behaviour.   
I asked him if I did something wrong but I couldn’t finish my sentence because he interrupted me and then he told me that it wouldn’t be my fault. That he just knew the place from his childhood. And I panicked and did the exact opposite of what he told me to. I apologized again and I started to babble and I blushed and I…let’s just say that I made a fool of myself.

 

But then Derek hugged me and told me that it was a really good idea, that he loved that clearing and that he loved sharing good old memories with me. That he loved being there with me.  
God, I don’t even know if there are words to describe my relief.

 

Derek stretched the blanket on the grass so we could lean against a tree, we ate our picnic (I squeaked mentally with pleasure when Derek pulled me between his legs and fed me with a strawberry) and when he started to talk about his family it was in a cheerful mood.   
He said that his family used to play Hide and Seek and that it was a good challenge for the young werewolves, because the scent of cherry trees, flowers and the wood was so strong that it covered the scent of the family members and the rushing of the wind covered the sound of their hearts. He was right; even I could smell the cherry trees.  
It sounded pretty cool and maybe half an hour later I was sitting in the crown of a tree waiting for my wolf to find me.  
I waited five minutes, and then ten minutes and twelve minutes later I almost gave up my hope.  
My biggest fear was that maybe he had forgot me and that I would be sitting in the tree for the rest of my life. Just when I thought about making friends with a woodland ringlet butterfly I heard Derek laughing from below.  
I was scared witless, I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t expect him at all.  
But I had a bigger problem. It was easy to climb that tree, but I didn’t know how to climb down. I felt like a kindergartner.  
Derek split his sides laughing while I was trying to come down. It was only then that I realized how fucking high the tree was. (Don’t even remember how I managed it to get to the crown).

I had to jump, but I was scared. Derek stopped laughing and asked if I was okay. I said ‘yes’, he heard the lie, told me that I was an idiot and then he reached out and promised to catch me. It was ridiculous, but I couldn’t stay on the tree forever.  
So I closed my eyes, jumped and landed in strong arms. When I opened my eyes again, Derek looked concerned, set me down on the soft and fluffy ground carefully and checked my face for injuries. That was so cute. And I think I fell even more in love with him.  
Even when he didn’t find any scratches or blood on my face and he was sure that I was perfectly fine, he didn’t let go of my face.   
Here comes the fantastic part of our date!

Derek stroked my cheek, touched my lips, pulled me into his arms again and the, finally, he kissed me.   
Damn, it was so good! The first kiss a few days ago was already pretty amazing, but this kiss was so much better.  
It was a gentle kiss, at the beginning. Just our dry lips…but then, when we closed our eyes, it became more passionate.  
I felt his tongue pushing against my lips and he pulled me even closer so I could sit on his lap. He slung one arm around my waist, the other arm was busy with touching my upper body.   
He caressed my face, stroked his hands through my hair and fondled my neck. I was convinced that it couldn’t get any better, but then he pushed up my t-shirt and touched my bare chest and I swear, I saw stars!  
I didn’t know what to do with my hands (and maybe I was also a bit shy, okay?!) so I buried them in his hair. That way he couldn’t escape. The sound of our slightly erratic breathing turned me on even more. He sucked and licked on my lower lip and it made me moan a bit. I felt him grinning against my mouth, when he moved his hand over my torso, touched my back and after a moment’s hesitation he grabbed my ass and I never wanted it to stop. Never!

 

I started to pant into his mouth and I was so hard in my pants that I didn’t even care that I was easy prey. I wanted him to touch me everywhere and I wanted him now. I wanted him so bad. I blocked out the sounds of the forest and started to rub my bulge against his belly. But Derek backed away and stopped kissing me. I pouted at the loss, but now I could see his face again. 

 

And holy hell, the asshole looked fantastic. His lips were red und bruised where I had nibbled at them and his hair was ruffled. I tried to kiss him again, but he held me back and explained me that he wanted to take it one step at a time.   
Handsome and romantic. I agreed, grinned like a maniac and buried my face back into the hollow between his neck and his shoulder. Derek stroked my back (unfortunately not underneath my shirt) and sometimes he kissed my neck or my ear or…well, whatever he was able to reach.  
I felt secure, and Derek seemed pretty content, too. We didn’t talk, but that was okay, we didn’t need to fill the silence. It was comfortable.  
We were sitting together like this for quite a while until we saw the sun going down. We shared a last kiss before we went back to the clearing to grab the basket. On the way back to the car (without getting lost, yay!) we held hands and it was a hard job to stop myself from giggling.   
It was a bit hard to walk because…You can work that out for yourself.

We didn’t talk on the way back home. I saw him smiling on the passenger seat and Derek stayed for a few minutes in the car when we eventually arrived at his house. Before I could say something he asked me if I want to spend the next weekend with him.  
Of course I said yes.  
He gave me one last and chaste kiss, waved goodbye from his front door and then he was gone.  
And I felt butterflies in my belly. Actually, I still feel them.  
I’m sitting on my bed right now, still giddy and filled to the brim with dopamine and serotonin. I’m shocked at how happy I am right now. I don’t believe it! Wow! I still touch my lips 

 

Maybe I should call Lydia to tell her about it? She knows that it’s our alpha anyway, so who cares? Right?  
No, I can tell her tomorrow. Right now I should try to sleep.

 

I’m so happy!

 

-Stiles!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it! :)


	15. 18.08.2012

Hey hey!  
How are you? I’m fine. 

 

I spent almost the entire last week with Derek. We watched the first two seasons of Dexter together in my bed. We cuddled and we kissed and it was awesome and I just can’t get enough of it. I can’t get enough of Derek. He’s like a human thermal blanket and he smells so good and I could talk about him all the time. So yeah, Derek visited me whenever he wanted and believe me, I didn’t complain.  
Okay, maybe Scott is a bit sulky and maybe even a bit jealous but hey, after all his drama with Allison I deserve the time with my boyfriend.  
Yes, I said it. Boyfriend. Derek is my boyfriend.  
I’ve sent everyone in my contact list a message just to make sure that they know.  
I was so proud of myself. Well, until my dad came home from work, ran upstairs to my room and shoved his cellphone right into my face and demanded an explanation.  
Because I’ve sent him a message, too.  
And they call me the smart kid? Ha, nice judgement.  
God, I’m so stupid. 

No need to say that my father wasn’t very thrilled. Apparently a message like ‘Listen up, bitches! I’m dating Derek! Who’s the alpha now, huh?’ isn’t a reason for my dad to cry tears of joy.  
So I had to justify myself to my dad. And believe me…It wasn’t enjoyable.  
He interrogated me like one of his criminals. He even blocked the door so I couldn’t escape from my own room. I even tried to hide under my blanket but that didn’t really work. My dad is very patient and after fifteen minutes I gave up.  
I almost died of embarrassment when he started his speech with ‘I don’t know how to feel about this, young man.’  
It was nerve-wracking and I blushed and I really just wanted that conversation to end but dad clearly had other plans. He tortured me and he loved it and I swear I could see him smirk for a millisecond.  
I want my own donation account for all the therapy I’ll need to erase that memory and to find my pride again. Right now my pride is lying on the cold hard ground and fucked up beyond all recognition.  
But hey, it becomes even better!

 

After two very exhausting hours of ‘You’re not a little boy anymore and I know I can’t tell you what to do BUT…’ I just wanted to watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch.  
But my dad had, once again, other plans.  
I had to go grocery shopping. But to be honest, I was quite happy about it.  
It was a bit uncomfortable at home after my dad questioned me about Derek and it felt good to get a breath of fresh air. I should have known that the long shopping list wasn’t a good omen in hindsight but it didn’t make me suspicious when I was in the store. An old lady asked me for help and I had to collect all of her groceries. Simply put, I was distracted.

 

What I didn’t expect was Derek. In our living room. Together with my dad, the sheriff.  
But what really freaked me out the most was his red sweater. I’ve never seen Derek with a red sweater before. Just FYI: It looks adorable.  
Even more adorable was the painful looking grimace he made with his face.  
I could almost hear his silent pleas for help. So I played the hero and saved him from my dad and asked him if he wanted to help me in the kitchen with the cutlet. You should have seen his face. He was so relieved he almost jumped to his feet and ran into the kitchen. Meanwhile I asked my dad what the hell he was doing and you know what? When he got my embarrassing message he immediately called Derek and invited him over for dinner.  
But he didn’t bother to tell me.

Damn, he looked so smug when he told me.  
So we had a very awkward dinner together, all three of us.  
Dad interrogated Derek as if he had all the time in the world. And at the same time he calmly ate all the bacon I tried to hide from him.  
He’s the devil. He's the devil and I love him.

There again, he was strangely calm about it. He didn’t curse; he didn’t threaten my boyfriend (I still have to giggle every time I write this) and he didn’t forbid it.  
But he pointed out that he would keep an eye on Derek and our relationship, though.  
Derek just nodded along and sometimes he said ‘Yes, Sir. Of course, Sir. You don’t have to worry, Sir.’  
I think he could smell my amusement but who can blame me? It was hilarious to see him like that. He sweated like a pig, it was awesome. But he couldn’t even give me a dark look because my dad was observing him.  
Eventually, two hours later, the torture ended and dad informed us both about his new rules.  
Derek always has to bring me back at ten in the evening during the week and at the weekends at eleven. And no, he’s not allowed to stay overnight.  
And he has to attend dinner with us every Friday.  
I’m actually pretty okay with that. I miss spending time with my father and Derek could use some family time.

 

Oh, and dad didn’t only see Derek to the door, no. He saw him to his car.  
But he didn’t disown me or screamed at me so I guess he’s not really disappointed in me and my decisions.  
It could have been worse.

\- Stiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any wishes for the next chapter?  
>  :)

**Author's Note:**

> If you should find sentences that are grammatically wrong I'm really sorry about that.  
> It's my first fic and english is not my first language.
> 
>  
> 
> You can follow me on tumblr!  
> http://minusmaedchen.tumblr.com/


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